Myspace has ruined the Internet like the iPod ruined music

01jan07

...but first, let's deal with that iPod fiasco.

Kids of today, let me tell you about something that we had many moons ago. It may seem like a foreign concept, but please take your Ritalin and try to follow along.

Once upon a time, there was this thing called a music album. It came in various physical formats including vinyl records, compact discs and tapes. A 'band' or 'group' would make a collection of songs and put it on an 'album.' When you bought this album, you could listen to the whole thing. While not all albums were great in their entirety, you got to listen to all the songs until you knew them all – the lengths, lyrics, bridges, choruses, hooks. You listened to the album as the artist intended, because some albums had some sort of progression or story to tell. Some bands even made albums that the tracks flowed together, creating a soundscape – a soundtrack to life. It was sometimes a rollercoaster of emotions, and often times you couldn't imagine a pause in the music. It simply wouldn't make sense. It'd be like fucking a girl and then stopping every 3 and half minutes to go pee. You'd probably disappoint that girl more than you already did.

Back then, you'd say 'I'm a Pink Floyd fan. I love the Beatles, Wu-Tang, etc.'

You categorized your music by the artist. The songs you liked were on an album.

Eventually technology got to the point where you would pick which songs you wanted to listen to, randomly and at any time. This seemed like a great idea, right? Well, much like watching clips of The Sixth Sense that start with 'Oh yeah, I'm dead,' it just didn't seem right. You were now controlling something that you didn't create. You made the Mona Lisa an Asian girl. No racism intended, she was an ugly white porch monkey.

Fast forward to the end of the world – the invention of the MP3. All of a sudden, you had a collection of 'songs' and no longer a collection of 'music.' Your friends came over to your house and you bragged about the size of your hard drive while your Ikea wall cabinet stay barren. Several rock stars overdosed on drugs picturing you doing that.

The devil wears white

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. You've destroyed the music industry. I listen to The Dark Side of the Moon. You listen to 'Time' and 'Money.' You've negated years of hard work and talent. Why should anyone spend years making an album when you're only going to buy one song from iTunes for 99 cents? That's the only song people are gonna hear anyway. They'll skip right to it. Just make it track 1, save them some time. This had led to artists putting out shitty albums built around a couple of songs that will sell for 99 cents.

Remember Michael Jackson's Bad album? Almost every song was a hit because people couldn't pick a favorite song and kept requesting so many on the radio. What a crazy idea. Buy the album, learn to like it, keep listening. The album sold over 30 millions copies at about $12. You do the math. A massively popular song will be downloaded a few million times, at 99 cents. After that, the kids latch onto the next artist and you're outta luck. It sickens me how many people downloaded 'Feel Good Inc.' and didn't get the whole album. You suckers missed the pop album of the year. You'll do it again this year with Stefy. I promise.

Millions bought the Aqua album in the 90s after hearing Barbie Girl on the radio. They popped in the CD – what's this? Candyman is a great song? So is this one? And this one? Wow, I'm pleasantly surprised. They started requesting those other songs, and they became hits as well. The band must have been overjoyed.  They made 'fans' and not just 'customers.' If I sound repetitive it's because I'm on random and you opted for the 1GB model only.

Nowadays, people just download the singles because they 'know' the album is crap. Download 2 songs for 2 dollars rather than spend 12 on a CD that must suck? Works for everyone except the artist. No one goes to the concert. No one sings along with any other songs. They cannot progress as an artist because they have no base. The artist then gives up and ends up in sitcoms instead. You don't notice or care because you didn't buy the album. Heaven forbid you missed out on gems that could've been added to your life.

So fuck you, iPod, and your fucking random button. And all you emo skater trash that want to be famous rockers – here's a dollar. That's all you'll make and it's your fault. I'll go buy 'albums' and become fans of artists, not hard drives.

Which brings me to my main point after that short introduction: Use your iPod and fill it with my v2FM audio shows. You'll thank me later.

Anyway...

I never thought that the Internet would become something that pisses me off. I mean, there's free porn, Wikipedia, and snopes.com. So what went wrong? Myspace. Well, specifically YourSpace, since I would never want to go there.

My browser didn't even know how to interpret this code

Tying in with my original point, MySpace was invented for musicians to have a centralized place to make pages about themselves. Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken, and you are not an artist. MySpace has destroyed the minds of the youth. It's made them have long-term memory that doesn't last past a year. What the FUCK is the appeal of MySpace? It's just a page with pics of you and some shit you wrote. What happened here? Put your iPod down and look at this list. Tell me if you fail to understand along with me.

MySpace is just…

A Geocities site with less options.

Remember Geocities? No? That's sad. How about these, then?

Angelfire

Yahoo!

Xanga

Livejournal

MSN Profiles

ICQ Profiles

Windows fucking notepad

You dumbass kids have discovered something invented 10 years ago – and then it was better, and easier to use. I simply do not get what happened here. Let's look at Livejournal, which was the first step to the end of the Internet.

Nowadays, it's 'cool' to share your feelings. It's cool to share every moment of your life and discuss how many coolers you drank with your ex-landlord on Wednesday, April 17^th, at 8:32 PM while you were 'sad.' Back then, I'd have to crack into my girlfriend's hotmail account (I know your dog's name, slut!) to see what she did. I loved the pictures of other guys' cocks in her inbox because she was hiding it. Now all I have to do is go to ANY FUCKING WEBSITE and your fucking lives will be all over them. I don't WANT to hear about how much your pussy smelled after 9:32 PM, Mountain Time, at 86.5% humidity while I'm trying to download TV shows.

From my hatemail I keep hearing one thing - "MySpace is great way to keep in touch with people that you've lost over the years (Motherfucker #$W*$#%!!! expletive deleted]." Here's my take on it - there's a reason those people are gone. Fuck them all. My real friends are still very much around - in REAL life. Why would I want to talk to someone who forgot about me from "back in the day"? They were useless then, even more so now.

Worst of all, MySpace is a playground for pedophiles. It's disgusting how much of their lives young kids reveal to complete strangers to read. I'd be more concerned if my children weren't still sperm, however.

An example of 99.985% of the pictures you will find at MySpace sites

Witness my pain. I had a friend come over that I haven't seen in a long time. He asks me, 'How's your website doing? Did you write a new blog?'

Blog? I write blogs? That's funny, I thought they were articles. Microsoft Word underlines blog BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING NUTS. I was going to punch him in the mouth. I don't tell you about my daily life and how I feel because I'm not a fucking homo.

You remember Maddox? You remember how you loved to read his 'opinions'? Good luck finding them now, it's hidden behind your 1300 pages of 'OMG THE PARTY THIS WEEKEND WAS ROCKNNNNNNN!!!!!1111' at every turn. You fucking kids have turned the Internet into a zoo. You can no longer find an opinion, you now have 100 million kids' every aspect of their lives to wade through. I feel sorry for every writer in the world – you now have 100 million more reasons to quit. Sometimes I get depressed writing tommyv2.com knowing that it won't get 1% of the hits Joe Blow gets daily from his blog about his travels to Best Buy. He can't write, spell, describe or get creative – all he has to do is put some picture taken by his $69-10-year-contract RAZR phone and he's a celebrity.

It won't stop me though. I work my ass off to bring you entertainment. I don't write for you fucking iPod-MySpace-Volkswagen-Apple-Spongebob-Subway crowd. I write for you Star Wars Arrested Development Fight Club KFC crowd. And I love you for being fans. I write for those smart enough to understand and appreciate the work that goes into being consistent and entertaining.

So fuck all you kids, I want all of you to burn in hell. If you're one of those fuckers, please stop reading my site and go blog your uncle's dick.

MySpace is just another fucking fad and will soon be as popular as having correct spelling and personal hygiene.

Visit Tommyv2.com

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